My Reminders of Love and Faithfulness

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
       bind them around your neck,
       write them on the tablet of your heart.” Prov. 3:3

I wanted to share with you some things that have been around my neck and written on my heart lately:

MY NECKLACES

For many years now, I’ve loved unique necklaces. But, these days they’ve become less about a fashionable find, and more about reminders to me of love and faithfulness. A couple of Mother’s Days ago, we were in the throes of this new journey of autism, and my husband gave me a simple necklace that says “HOPE.” I’ve gotten a few more prized necklaces from that local designer, and whenever I put them on, they mean something to me very profound that causes me to pause. One says “BLESSED,” and another says “BELIEVE.”

My husband gave me another precious necklace for Christmas that I’ll cherish, designed by a  friend of mine who makes personalized handstamped silver jewelry. It was inscribed: JOSIAH. Zeph. 3:17.

My HOPE and JOSIAH necklaces

When we dedicated our son at 4-months old, Zephaniah 3:17 was the verse we chose as Josiah’s “life verse.” It says,

“The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing.”

I loved that verse. Little did I know that it would take on even more meaning as the years progressed. We truly would need a God that was mighty to save and that was even more crazy in love with our son than we were. In the Hebrew, this verse translated gives the image that God literally “spins around” with joy over you and sings and shouts over you with joy! As I go forward to face the days ahead, I will bind that image around my neck.

In the months leading up to our son’s birth, we poured over the books of baby names trying to find the right “one” that had a decent ring to it. It was finally by chance that I heard the name “Josiah,” and it clicked instantly. My husband Joe liked it too, and we had it. Also drawn to the meaning behind names, I was inspired by what the name “Josiah” stood for in Hebrew: “the Fire of the Lord.” Later, when autism would come in and threaten to douse my son’s passion, range of emotions, and personality, God reminded me of his name. When I say Josiah’s name, simultaneously in my mind, I am declaring over him, “Fire of the Lord.”

It was about 8 months ago that I came across yet another meaning of the name Josiah in Hebrew: “whom Jehovah heals.” I took that promise and I wrote it on the tablet of my heart. I made up a little song that I sing to Josiah as I rock him with a “mash up” of those promises. “Josiah is whom Jehovah heals…The Fire of the Lord is in you… the salvation of God is for you… receive it now.”

When the circumstances of life rage around me, there are things that I need to have in place to remind me of God’s promises and hope for a future. These are things that become familiar and defining for life, so they can be recalled in the thick of the battle.

MY NOTE ON THE MIRROR

So, I have my necklaces. I have Josiah’s song. I also have a card that is stuck to my bathroom mirror. I was very low one day and had shed a lot of tears. I somehow found myself in Jeremiah, and I came across a verse that just leapt off the page at me. I personalized it, and put it where I would see it each morning:

This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for YOUR WORK WILL BE REWARDED, declares the Lord. Your child will return from the land of the enemy (autism). SO THERE IS HOPE for your future, declares the Lord. Your child–Josiah–will return to his own land.” Jer. 31:16-17

Jer. 31:16-17 on my mirror.

MY PROMISE NOTECARDS

Then, I have my “card wheels” and the journal that I have kept over the last year or so. I wrote every Scripture out that pertained to what I’m believing for in regards to Josiah, myself, my family, and healing. It is a quick roladex of who God is, what he said he’d do, and who I am in him. In fact, if you want to make your own, I’ve captured most of those Scriptures and prayers under ”Daily Soul Nutrients.”

Note card wheels by "Real Simple" with scripture.

THE SONG THAT REVIVES MY HEART

Finally, a couple months ago a friend shared with me THE SONG (“He Loves Us” by Jesus Culture) that has just spoken to my heart. I watch or listen to it when I need to be reminded of the love of Jesus that is not just some nice notion, but it is sustaining and it is FOR me. I love the line, “when all of the sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory…”

I wouldn’t say I’m a deeply sentimental person. But, there are some things that just must be tied around my neck and written on the tablet of my heart until they become more true to me than my current reality. Trust me, this supersedes religion and denominational differences, whether you are expressive or quiet in your faith, are questioning or are believing to your toes. It’s more about asking yourself what it will take for God to invade your life and get to work at making you whole again. All my stacks of books about biomedical treatments and the steady stream of autism newsfeeds cannot reach my heart like Christ’s love and promises can. And I’ll forget and base my beliefs on my feelings if I don’t have these reminders on my neck, in my heart, in my ears, before my eyes.

What are yours?

You Got the Diagnosis–Now What?

Two years ago, we got slapped with our son’s autism diagnosis. Feeling a bit shell-shocked, we walked out of the autism-specific clinic carrying a heavy diagnosis and a very light folder that included some pamphlets on what to do now. Of the pamphlets, there was one on creating a living will, one on genetics counseling, and one on tracking devices (for your kid who will likely be a “runner” and may drown in a nearby pond). We also got the lecture from one of the doctors that we can “waste our money on THE diet and all that biomedical stuff that is purely local wisdom and anecdotal,” but he wouldn’t recommend it. All in all, crap sandwich.

I buckled up my sweet little curly-headed two-year-old into the backseat and couldn’t help but wonder about his future. My husband and I looked at each other, emotionally worn out. It was like we had officially been handed down a life-long sentence, and we knew we were on our own. WE would have to forge a pathway for our son and shoot for success because no one else would do it for us. If hope didn’t fall in our laps, we vowed we would go find it for ourselves. So, it was from other autism parents, and in locating the right books, and Googling until we unearthed some treasures of hope, that we created a sketchy map for ourselves. Granted, the land of autism is more rocky, treacherous and mysterious than the Afghanistan wilderness. But the “wisdom of the locals”–as it were–can be the most helpful for locating the caves and navigating the mountain passes, if you will.

So, while I am not the best and brightest in the autism world, I will share with you my crash course for what to do if you have just received an autism diagnosis. Aside from the obvious loving on your kid like crazy, we’re talking first-things-first, and you kind of have to do them simultaneously. Sorry, this will be long. I invite others that ”have gone before” to add to this in the comment section.

MY RECOMMENDATIONS (I’m not a doctor, nor do I claim to be):

1. You must know that you cannot trust everything that your doctors tell you. You’ve got to do some research and take the reins on this one, as scary as that may be. You’ll come to know that there are a couple of schools of thought on autism. You’ve got your “it’s genetics and hard-wired” school, and you’ve got your “something environmental triggered susceptible genes to result in autism” school. Here is where it’s a little like religion. You will probably have to choose what your denomination is because that will influence your course of action, the books you read, the conferences you attend. There is some faith involved. Generally, either you are an “autism Lutheran” or you’re an “autism Charismatic.” (Think, though we’re all on the same general team, one side calls the likes of Jenny McCarthy a heretic, while the other side reveres her as a prophet.) Somewhat difficult to be a lukewarm autism parent if you have any sense of curiosity to find out what happened to your kid.  

2. Watch the little documentary we produced, called “Surprised By Autism.” In thirty minutes, you can get a quick overview of some of the basic resources and services to know about, and make a heart connection from the viewpoint of a parent. My husband created this documentary with parents new to the diagnosis in mind, mostly because some of the videos shown at “autism orientation” meetings we attended were old, outdated, and frankly–SCARY! The parents looked like they wanted to fall on pitchforks and get it over with. We were not willing to let that be us.

3. Books you should pick up and devour immediately: 1. All three of Jenny McCarthy’s books: Louder Than Words, Mother Warriors, and Healing and Preventing Autism. 2. Facing Autism. 3. Autism Sourcebook. 4. Overcoming Autism. I know it’s a lot and you probably won’t understand it all right away, but it will give you a foundation you will appreciate, and most importantly, HOPE. (Most of the links are under my “recommended reads” in the navigation.)

4. Yes, I would say you should try THE DIET. Perhaps you’ve heard these code words. GFCF. What in the world, right? Well, gluten-free, casein free (wheat and dairy-free) is  the foundational autism diet that many parents attest to helping to “lift the fog” from their child. Smiles can return, attention, focus, etc. First step: eliminate all dairy. You really can do this because there are a lot of substitutes out there, but you must be aware of all the hidden places dairy is lurking, and it’s got to be a very strict approach to see if it’s working. BTW, soy is not a great substitute, as studies are showing, so we’re talking replacing your cow’s milk with stuff like rice milk, almond milk, potato milk, hemp milk–that sort of thing. Get out your Birkenstocks and wool socks, my friend, you will learn to love the health food store–though luckily many of the major chains are coming around to offer these alternatives. You should be able to tell within the first month if there is a difference. Then, you can follow with taking out gluten. I would recommend these books: Book With A Long Title by Karyn Seroussi, and Special Needs Kids Eat Right. And, there are about a billion things on this ANDI website.

5. Know your educational therapy options. So, your county might have some autism services to offer you, along with your school district, and maybe some outside speech and occupational therapies through various centers. Unless you are really keyed-in, you may miss this whole other world called “Applied Behavior Analysis”–or ABA–therapy. I ask you to exercise a little discernment here. In my experience, the county, etc. will tell you that the 3-10 hours of one-on-one therapy they will offer your child is enough, but the research says differently. Recommended therapy for children with autism is 25-40 hours per week, and the most scientifically proven therapy for kids with autism is ABA (which has some offshoots). Look into this option to see if it’s a fit for your child. There are therapists that will come into your home, and there are some autism therapy centers that offer ABA. You can find out more about in-home options at the Lovaas website, or seek out center-based options like Partners in Excellence. You’ll have insurance and money hassles to deal with, but it’s worth it. There are many other options for therapy. I’m just sharing what I know here.

6. Bookmark and refer to these websites often: www.generationrescue.org,  www.talkaboutcuringautism.org, www.autism.com. These will lead you to many more resources.

7. Get your child on a path to physical wellness. Autism is not just a genetic or mental disorder. There is stuff going on in bodies of our kids with autism that typically is only being treated by alternative medicine practitioners. Vaccines have likely played a factor, maybe ear infections, detox issues, frequent antibiotics that have messed some things up for your child. The standard autism doctors in the “biomedical” world are called DAN (Defeat Autism Now) doctors. They are licensed and trained in this approach and can be found throughout the nation–many are wellness or chiropractic doctors as well. Go here to find one in your area. It’s not covered by insurance usually, but at least start with a consultation and develop a course of action. There are also things nutritionally that you can do right now, without the advisement of a doctor–vitamins and nutrients that could make a difference. Jenny McCarthy’s latest book is the best I’ve seen to address that, including recommended dosages, brands, etc.

8. Communicate with your spouse. Friends, in the early days, this is a sprint but it’s training you for the marathon. Life is not the same, nor will it ever be. There is grief. There is pain. There is crying. There is loneliness. Faith is shaken. Love is tested. High days. Low days. Hoping days. Coping days. The best of you. The worst of you. It’s all a major journey and process. And, I say that all because you must give yourself and your spouse a break. This IS a big deal, and each of you will wrestle with the emotions and stress in a different way. Just don’t close yourselves off to each other. Be open and compassionate, and try to get on the same page. Fight autism. Not each other. Read this. Eighty percent of marriages fail when faced with autism. Will you make a commitment to each other to close the backdoor, no matter what? Even the strongest marriage will face very distinct trials, and commitment will have to carry you past how you “feel” about each other at times.

9. Get some support in place. Run, don’t walk, to find at least one other parent out there who has a kid with autism, and subscribes to some of the same basic theories as you. Your circle will expand from there. I would say it’s best at first to find one that has a child that is less than 2-3 years older than yours. Their story will still be fresh, and their resources current. You also have to be careful not to compare your child with theirs. Autism is a spectrum. Each child is different. Thankfully, many friendships are able to be forged online these days. That has been huge for me. But, I have a special place in my heart for that one mom that I met with that got me started, let me cry and pick her brain, and took me under her wing in those early days. There are some good support groups out there. I would recommend TACA.

10. Take care of yourself. I’m talking physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. You may need to find a therapist or counselor. Get in your Bible. Find out God’s promises. Try to get some sleep. Get away from autism sometimes. Go out on a date. Eat right (not emotionally eating, like I’ve been doing). Exercise (do as I say, not as I do). Get out with girlfriends. Sit and have some coffee alone. You NEED this. You’ve got to, or you’ll burn out. And don’t worry… your heart will probably be re-purposed by autism, but you will dream new dreams and brighter days will emerge again.

Well, I think a top ten will suffice for now. There’s a lot more like helpful products and going green for your child, but this will get you started. My hundreds of  hours of reading, researching, learning and living about autism boil down to this basic cheat sheet for you. I hope it helps. There are so many of us out there cheering you on. You’re not alone!

“Surprised By Autism” Debuts for Autism Month

Today is World Autism Awareness Day and April is autism awareness month. I’m excited about the elevated attention given to this cause at this time, and here are a few links I’d like to share with you, including our own documentary that my husband produced:

Jenny McCarthy’s third book was just released called Healing and Preventing Autism. It’s a collaboration with Dr. Kartzinel. My husband was able to get an advanced media copy and the last couple of weeks I’ve been able to read a bit of it. I highly recommend it! It’s the first book that I’ve seen that not only endorses various biomedical treatments and diets, but even gives you dosages, brands of recommended vitamins, and a protocol to follow.

The idea is that if you are waiting to get into a Defeat Autism Now! doctor, you can start some things on your own through this book and understand how to get the ball rolling. I’m a big Jenny fan, and she’s going to be making the rounds in the media this month. She’s a bulldog, and I love to see her take on the establishment. Check out her press schedule. 

Join a unified prayer effort to “Turn the Tide” on autism through the month of April by following the Children of Destiny printable prayer calendar.

Watch our family’s story called “Surprised By Autism,” which is airing on community channels in the Twin Cities area this month, and can be seen here through YouTube in three 10-minute parts. Settle in and take a peek! Our hope was that it would be a good introduction to options out there if you’re a new parent/grandparent facing an autism diagnosis, or that it will help bring awareness to the general public about autism.

Our “Surprised by Autism” show coming soon

I’m so proud of my husband. He’s a tv producer on a local cable channel, and he debuts a whole 30-minute show about autism next month. It focuses on our personal journey so far with our Josiah, and on getting out information to those early in their journey about what options are out there to help tackle autism. It’s information that we wish we would have had without endless hours on Google trying to get oriented to this new, strange life of this “cause unknown, lifelong, incurable” disorder. Tough words to be faced with for parents who feel like they’ve just been smucked upside the head. It’s time for hope. It’s time for education. It’s time to help others down a road that we have walked for a year-and-a-half. I’m looking forward to a sequel, and praying for a recovery story!

It wasn’t easy for Joe to work on this. Oftentimes, the last thing he wanted to do was live autism, and then be faced with autism at work too. But, let it be noted that I didn’t put him up to it! It was his idea and I’m excited to see it air during Autism Awareness Month. We’ll upload the whole thing on YouTube next month. In the meantime, Joe’s supervisor had us on her show this month to preview the documentary. Take a peek… (by the way, they say the camera adds 10 lbs. The question is, “Man, how many cameras are ON me?!?)

Angels Who Punch a Time Clock

LOOKING FOR HELP

A little over a year ago we found an oasis in the middle of what felt like a big, scary directionless desert. We had just come to understand that our little two year old had autism, and we had started some speech and occupational therapy for a few hours a week, but we knew Josiah would need more than that. With both of us working full time and quickly burning through our sick hours to take Josiah to and fro for therapy 20 minutes away, we honestly didn’t know what we were going to do. It was by “chance” that my husband stumbled upon a little center for kids on the autism spectrum, and it just happened to be about 10 minutes from where he worked.

I remember the day we toured this place. We hadn’t yet even had the “official” diagnosis, but we thought we better get on a waiting list because we heard about how hard it was to get services going. I walked through the roomy center and was impressed by the decorative touches, the cute little cubes that were set up with costumes, and play kitchens and libraries, and more toys than the local toy store. The people were so friendly and helpful. But it also felt heart-breaking and surreal.

A PLACE FOR JO JO

I had never imagined that I would be trying to find a place for my son to go because he had AUTISM. I was gripped by fear as I saw kids at every level of severity. How did I find myself here?, I wondered. From the time Josiah was three months old, we had the perfect set up for him. It was a great little day care five houses away from ours. The lady who ran it was like his second mom. He would be friends with those neighborhood kids. That’s the way it was supposed to be. Perfect.

Well, “perfect” would have to look like something else. We were so thankful that we were not only to get Josiah into the center right away, but that my husband’s insurance was one of the only ones in the state that covered these services–tens of thousands of dollars a year. Bless the lady who started this center for parents in our position! Please know that very few people have it come together for them as smoothly as this. We were able to get occupational therapy along with ABA therapy (Applied Verbal Behavior style), which has been proven to be very effective in teaching kids with autism. It could be a one-stop-shop. Our little two-year-old would start out as the youngest guy there, and he would soon be going for 40 hours a week.

ANGELS IN POD 10

I just wanted to set up a little background first so you can understand the depth of our gratitude when faced with a difficult situation. We are so thankful for Josiah’s angels! His therapists work so hard everyday so my child can feel like he’s playing and having a blast, even though he’s being put through the paces. They developed a program specifically for their youngest clients and made a comfortable area called “POD 10″ that was just for their five little ones under 4 or so. Josiah loves it.

I wonder if these therapists really knew that the occupation that they chose would mean so much, and would hold such a weighty purpose. Not only are they shaping the outcome for my son, but they are easing a great burden from us. These six women always have the biggest smiles on their faces and give their best energy to the kids every day. They even ask us how our days are, and seem genuinely interested in our family. They celebrate each new thing that Josiah has tried or mastered, and are really concerned if he’s not feeling well. They love a challenge. Our son lights up when he sees them, and they’re proud of him and are truly affectionate toward him. I like how they sometimes call him “Mister Cullen.”

This place has wonderful parents’ training groups, special parties for the kids and families, and the director is very present, helpful and available. I guess what I’m trying to say is that these ladies are our heroes. What a gift! I get a little nervous for the day that Josiah leaves the acceptance and unconditionally love he finds at this center, but I never take for granted the deposits he is receiving in his life every weekday by our angels who happen to punch a time clock.

The One-Year Anniversary

It’s amazing the power of a word. One year ago today (August 25) the word “autism” was breathed for the first time in our home. It hung in the air like a dense fog that took my breath away. I will never forget the scene… we had just put Josiah to bed and we returned to the kitchen table to visit with my husband’s mom and dad who had arrived a few hours earlier from North Dakota. They came out just a week after they had been out here to “get some car repairs” (but I think that was just the excuse to come back to talk with us face to face). We were laughing and telling stories when, suddenly, the tone changed.

Joe’s dad, courageously and graciously, told us that they didn’t want to alarm us but they just wanted us to promise them that we’d get this checked out. “It will all probably turn out fine,” he said. This feeling of flushing when through my body–like when the phone rings in the middle of the night. I wondered, “What could possibly be wrong?”  He continued, “We think something’s not quite right with Josiah. Compared to when we were here a couple of months ago, he didn’t seem to be as interested in us or in his cousin, and we had noticed little things before like how he was into wheels, was turning lights off and on, and was looking strangely at the fence… He hit his head on the floor last week and it didn’t even hurt him.”

THE “A” WORD

I remember my husband saying, “You mean you think it’s like autism?” Mom and Dad shook their heads.

“But, he claps and he has eye contact, and he’s not like that,” I said. “That’s a horrible sentence for life.” What I knew of autism was minimal, but like most moms, when the Parents magazine would come out I read about watching for the signs of autism, and I sure was glad my kid didn’t fit the criteria. And, I remembered when Josiah was just months old challenging his pediatrician wondering if he really needed all of these vaccines… what about what I read about autism? Well, the doc gave the pat answer, “Vaccines have save thousands of lives and any side effects are very rare.” So, I went forward with the vaccines pretty confident nothing would happen to us.

The next day after the table conversation, I promptly called Josiah’s daycare provider. Surely she would have told me if she was concerned about something. She said she kind of noticed he was behind other kids his age but that every kid developed at their own pace. It had been a bit harder to get his attention too lately, but it wasn’t a big concern for her yet.

Sure, we were first-time parents and didn’t have anything to compare things to, but the little concerns we had like why Josiah wasn’t “getting” the waving goodbye thing, and why he was suddenly fascinated with pulling little girls’ hair, and why he didn’t seem to be imitating my teaching of his body parts every bath night–they all seemed like things he’d grow into. The scariest thing we had to deal with at that point was that it took him until 17 months to walk, but once he got to it, we were relieved and on with life. Maybe he was just a late bloomer.

“PLEASE, LET IT JUST BE A DEVELOPMENTAL DELAY”

I remember being so scared by the uncertainty, and I had to fly out that week for a couple of days for business but just wanted to figure out what was going on get to a pediatrician for answers. We were in the pediatrician’s office within a week. He said, “Well, we could wait and see for six months…” I promptly said, “Or?” and he got us referred to a place to see if speech and OT therapy were needed. Thus began our long journey of testing and theories and agonizing days.

I don’t exaggerate when I say that literally within the next three weeks after the word “autism” was spoken at that table that our precious child regressed before our eyes–losing more words, losing eye contact, and not responding to his name. I had to put a blanket over Josiah and me to get him to even look at me. I was losing him and it absolutely terrified me. Still, we had no real answers. “Please, ANYTHING but autism,” I prayed.

“CAN WE GO ON? YES, WE MUST!”

Labor Day 2007 was a real low point. I so felt like I had been kicked in the gut over and over again that I physically could not stand up straight. I cried my eyes out into a bath towel. I had a feeling that life would never be the same again and as my husband and I struggled to catch our breath between tears, we wondered how we could go on. Maybe, just maybe, it was just a developmental delay or something less severe, we tried to assure each other. But, you know the rest of the story.

One year later. We were able to go on. We sifted through many bleak websites and books about autism and turned up some gems of hope to get us going in the right direction. Our son is improving through biomedical treatment and intense (ABA-Applied Verbal Behavior) therapy. and we really believe that he WILL succeed over the next few years and be ready for regular school. We believe he’ll have friends and a great sense of humore. Our faith has been tested to the limits with questions and doubts, but we still believe that God has a plan and loves us and our beautiful son. This year has brought out the best and the worst in us, but we are still standing.

In the midst of it all, our hearts have turned outward and we want to be able to help others somehow who find themselves in those early stages of this whole confusing ordeal. This post is really for you. Don’t give up hope. Do your research. Know you’re in for a long climb, but you can do this. You have to, and you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength! It will start getting a little easier. Through the fits and starts of adrenaline and action, you’ll learn to ride out the plateaus. You will find comfort in the fact that you’re not going through this alone.

Our Video: A World of Hope for Autism

Understanding. Solidarity. Empathy. Hope. Awareness. This past year, I have Googled my heart out to get a grasp on this world of autism, and it’s other parents that we don’t even know that have really been there for us through their videos and sites. I think so many shell-shocked moms and dads are just desperate to come across a word of hope for their kids, or at least a sense that they’re not in this alone.

Many nights, I’ve watched YouTube videos on autism and have been encouraged by stories of recovery. Or been moved to tears by videos people have posted about their child’s journey. Heartbreaking stuff about how their kids were well for the first year-and-a-half (like ours) and then something flipped. Heart rending stories about how parents don’t have the insurance coverage they need to get their kids help, and they don’t know where to turn. Stories that speak of the injustice of the “powers that be” whose greed and unwillingness to hear have put our children at risk from toxic vaccines and environmental pollutants that have made their way into almost everything.

That crazy world wide web has fostered authenticity and interconnectedness within groups of people like no other time in history. (Thanks, Al Gore, for “inventing” the internet!) You actually virtually “meet” strangers that you come to care about. The online autism community is vast, and courageous parents have gotten the momentum going for awareness about new biomedical treatments, gluten/dairy-free diets, emotional highs and lows, and what it means when your kid’s poo looks like…

Well, I saw a video that www.rhemashope.wordpress.com posted on the website “What Kind of World Do You Want” (seen here), and I was so moved by their family’s story that it inspired my husband and me to tell our story there too. Putting the video together was and going through all of those pictures of our little guy was kind of painful, but very healing at the same time. The thought kept coming to me, “God is faithful. He will see our boy through.”

You’re invited to view Josiah’s video right on the “What Kind of World Do You Want” site because each view donates four cents to Autism Speaks. Or, you can watch it below. I just hope our story can touch some lives like other people’s videos have touched ours.

We Wear the Mask

We Wear the Mask by Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

    WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.

    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.

    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

For some odd reason, this poem came to mind the other day. I read it in literature class years ago, and I’ve really identified with it lately. I was at a staff retreat a couple of months ago, and they asked us to go around the table and share what our highlights from our past ministry year were. I had said my highlight is that I actually survived it. It was the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. One of the leaders of my organization said that she didn’t see the toll that it must have been taking because “you have shown a great level of professionalism through all of this. You’ve really taken it in stride and always seemed upbeat.”

I didn’t feel like that was a compliment necessarily. It’s because I wear the mask that grins and lies and with a bleeding heart I smile. It’s kind of a commentary on our society, really. It’s not proper to really be honest. How many times do we exchange our “How are yous” and reply with our pat “fines” and “goods”? And let’s be real, we often don’t want to hear how people are really doing because we’ve got things to do and places to be, and that would take an investment. We’re just being polite and rote in our asking. Plus, who wants to be known as the “Debbie Downer” of a group, anyway?

I was a theater minor in college, and since August 25, 2007 when we got our first incling that something might be wrong with our son, I started the most intensive acting role of my life. My new costume shrouded a broken heart and woman so scared and confused. Being a full-time working mom and manager of a team of people, I’ve had to keep up and keep smiling when my heart has been so with my son every minute. To come to work and give my all to it has truly been labor.

Instead, I want to throw myself into Josiah’s recovery, into lobbying for change for autism, into finding a group of others that can be a network of support to each other as we march through the autism journey. I want to take time to find an oasis for my soul and draw close to Christ, learning his peace that passes understanding and his joy no matter the circumstance. Instead, in the morning, I put on the mask and head out the door and do what I must to help keep life and work turning.

One thing that I’ve learned through this is a higher call to compassion. I bet that on any given day we encounter masses of people who are walking wounded but wear their smiles. Yet they live with that uneasy, nagging feeling that all is not well with their world right now. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe men can compartmentalize their lives a little bit better than women. For me, I know that this thing that is autism drifts in and out of my consciousness at least every five to ten minutes a day. Maybe it’s because we’re still new to this and still grieving. Maybe it’s life now. I don’t know.

Truly, Josiah’s doing well in so many ways, but so much is unresolved and “carefree” is an emotion that is such a distant memory. I wear the mask. When I encounter another person who’s dealing with autism or with any other real difficulty, for some precious moments, we both are able to lower our masks and identify with each other’s burdens and give encouragement that says, “I know what you’re going through, and I really do care.” Those are the people who will see me, and when a tear falls without my permission, they’re comfortable with that because they know the feeling.

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

That Had to Be a ‘God Thing’

It’s really late tonight, and I’m so exhausted that I can’t sleep. Does that ever happen to you? Your head hits the pillow and while your body so badly wants to go into dreamland, your mind can’t stop racing with thoughts? I find that it’s better for me to just get up and do something when that happens to me, so why not do a little blogging?

Today was a really big day. I’m the Communication Arts Director at a large church, and we’ve been preparing for months for a one-day conference we put on at our church annually for people in church leadership in our region. Nearly 700 people came, and it was an awesome day where you could see the unity of God’s Church wanting to get better together with one goal in mind: more effectively and relevantly reaching their circles of influence for Christ. It’s a beautiful picture.

Anyway, it was at this conference where the latest edition of our church’s magazine was debuted, and it will be distributed to our congregation this weekend. I decided to write a little article about our experience with Josiah’s autism and how when something unexpected hits your family that it can shake your faith a bit, cause you to ask a lot of questions, and change everything about life–but that we can find hope. I really wonder how God is going to use our story to not only reach out to others who are going through something similar, but also to bring peope into our lives to offer insight and encouragement to us as we walk through this journey.

It already started today. After one of the sessions that I helped teach, a woman came up to me and said she had just read my story and that she has a daughter with autism too, who’s now 11. She so quickly offered to meet with me and be a support and voice of experience. As we got to talking for a few minutes, she asked me where I had my son in therapy. I told her that he goes to Partners in Excellence, and she said that’s where her daughter goes! Okay, these sort of meetings have got to be a God thing. She went on to say that she and her husband had developed some small group curriculum for churches that focuses on families who have children with special needs. You can check out their website: http://www.surreiasplace.com/. We’re going to meet soon. I’m really interested to see where this might lead… stay tuned.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since my husband and I have been going through this journey with autism it’s that it can be such a lonely, confusing ride. It’s hard to find the right systems of support–people who’ve been there, and can also offer resources and encouragement that are on the same page as you are. Little by little, we’re starting to make some connections with other parents who have children with special needs, and I’m hoping that God will work this whole “community” and relationship piece out. It’s huge. I also realize my compassion radar is so up for people who are just getting the diagnosis for their child. Those early days are soul-ripping, and I want to be there for them, just as I need other moms there for me as we continue on this treadmill toward healing (ours and Josiah’s).

So, here we go. God, what do you have in store? It says in the Bible that God “works all things together for good for those who love him and keep his commands.”  I want to see how going through this fire is going to work out, and I’m expectantly looking for more opportunities where I can say, “That had to be a God thing.”

 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Philippians 2:1-5

Autism Yesterday

“Autism is reversible.” I remember in the early days of Josiah’s diagnosis coming across this statement on a Google internet search. It was such a different declaration than what so many books and websites said. I kept seeing things like, “Autism is a pervasive, life-long disorder with no known cure and no known cause.” What are you supposed to do with that? Well, many parents are simply not accepting that life sentence.

Last Thursday night, I went to a local library for an advance-showing of a new 30-minute documentary called “Autism Yesterday,” put out by Generation Rescue (the group that has adopted the “Autism is reversible” tagline). The documentary follows six families who were given the grim diagnosis of autism. Some were told their children would never talk and would have to be institutionalized. Well, all of these children are either recovered or are recovering from autism and have bright futures ahead. It was 30 minutes that takes you from heartache to hope. If kids are recovering, following certain approaches to treating this disorder, why can’t my child be one of them?

I’m a pretty reasonable person, and I’m not one that wants to be “taken” out of desperation by snake oil that claims to be able to fix my child. But, as we started navigating through what a diagnosis of autism meant for our child, I kept researching, reading, and talking with others, and in addition to getting Josiah into intensive therapy, we decided to follow the DAN (Defeat Autism Now) Doctor protocol that treats the big picture of what is causing the autistic symptoms. It’s a biomedical approach that looks at the underlying medical issues like gastrointestinal irregularities, food allergies and sensitivities, inability to detoxify properly, and brain inflammation. Mostly, treatment includes a dairy and wheat-free diet, a number of herbal supplements shown to address numerous problems specific to the patient, and detoxification of heavy metals as is evidenced by a series of tests.

Surprisingly, this treatment route incites a lot of heated debate between medical doctors and homeopathic doctors or scientists. Parents in the autism community get very snarly about it too–especially the “it worked for us” vs. the “it didn’t work for us” crowd. Fundamentally, it also raises a really big issue. Is autism purely genetic and can only be treated behaviorally? Or, are childhood vaccines and other environmental factors to be blamed for contributing to the rise in autism in some way, and if so, the government has a lot of explaining to do. Parents have to follow their guts and do what is right for their particular case, since no one’s is exactly alike. This parent weighed the facts and the testimonials, and decided to pitch her tent in the camp where there are stories of improvement, success, and even recovery from the symptoms of autism. If it doesn’t work out, I can at least say we gave it a shot. Only 10 percent of the parents who have a child with autism try the biomedical approach and stick with it. But, it is making a tremendous difference, and thousands of kids are recoverying.

So far, we’re already seeing significant changes in our son. His eye contact has returned significantly. He’s been so loving and he’s giving and asking for hugs from us. He’s also developing some peer relationships and playing with a little girl at his school that is also 2 1/2 years old–his therapists tease him about having a little girlfriend. Tonight we went on a walk and he was having a big belly laugh at a barking dog. He kept looking back at us and enjoyed us teasing him with his stuffed duck. He held out his hand for me to hold it as we strolled along. Back in October, we walked this same route and my husband and I were thinking back to how terrified we were that he had regressed to the point that I couldn’t get his attention when I ran out in front of him and called his name. No smile. No eyes locking. Just blank. He’s getting better now. Small steps, over time, yield big results. I’m trying to be patient.

Our next step is chelation–trying to pull heavy metals and toxins out of Josiah’s body, very slowly and safely through herbal means. We see the DAN! doctor to go over results of testing on Friday. One of Josiah’s urine tests that just came through over email showed that he has elevated levels of arsenic, mercury, and lead in his body, which is pretty typical in autistic kids. Where did all this junk come from? Well, from what I’ve read, pesticides, pollution, food, water, air, and unfortunately, some ingredients in vaccines. The role that many people believe the childhood vaccines play is that they can assault the system of a young, developing child and mess up the detoxification process in a vulnerable child. This hasn’t been “proven,” but studies have come to that conclusion as a piece of the puzzle.

Bottom line for me, I wish I could go back and at least do the vaccine schedule differently, and I wouldn’t have gotten the Hepatitis B vaccine which is totally unnecessary for a child at that age whose mother does not have this disease. It is given on the first day of life, and there are two additional doses before six months. Why was I not better informed? Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. I’ll never know. But you can be informed and make thorough decisions, remembering that your pediatrician doesn’t know everything, and you have rights to vaccinate your child on a different schedule–or in most states–opt out completely. There’s my soapbox. I’m sure I will have many that disagree with my stance, but there are lot of parents who have kids with autism that will nod a big “yes” to what I believe. At any rate, I’m hoping to one day stand before you with a true testimony that “Autism is reversible.”