It’s really late tonight, and I’m so exhausted that I can’t sleep. Does that ever happen to you? Your head hits the pillow and while your body so badly wants to go into dreamland, your mind can’t stop racing with thoughts? I find that it’s better for me to just get up and do something when that happens to me, so why not do a little blogging?

Today was a really big day. I’m the Communication Arts Director at a large church, and we’ve been preparing for months for a one-day conference we put on at our church annually for people in church leadership in our region. Nearly 700 people came, and it was an awesome day where you could see the unity of God’s Church wanting to get better together with one goal in mind: more effectively and relevantly reaching their circles of influence for Christ. It’s a beautiful picture.

Anyway, it was at this conference where the latest edition of our church’s magazine was debuted, and it will be distributed to our congregation this weekend. I decided to write a little article about our experience with Josiah’s autism and how when something unexpected hits your family that it can shake your faith a bit, cause you to ask a lot of questions, and change everything about life–but that we can find hope. I really wonder how God is going to use our story to not only reach out to others who are going through something similar, but also to bring peope into our lives to offer insight and encouragement to us as we walk through this journey.

It already started today. After one of the sessions that I helped teach, a woman came up to me and said she had just read my story and that she has a daughter with autism too, who’s now 11. She so quickly offered to meet with me and be a support and voice of experience. As we got to talking for a few minutes, she asked me where I had my son in therapy. I told her that he goes to Partners in Excellence, and she said that’s where her daughter goes! Okay, these sort of meetings have got to be a God thing. She went on to say that she and her husband had developed some small group curriculum for churches that focuses on families who have children with special needs. You can check out their website: http://www.surreiasplace.com/. We’re going to meet soon. I’m really interested to see where this might lead… stay tuned.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since my husband and I have been going through this journey with autism it’s that it can be such a lonely, confusing ride. It’s hard to find the right systems of support–people who’ve been there, and can also offer resources and encouragement that are on the same page as you are. Little by little, we’re starting to make some connections with other parents who have children with special needs, and I’m hoping that God will work this whole “community” and relationship piece out. It’s huge. I also realize my compassion radar is so up for people who are just getting the diagnosis for their child. Those early days are soul-ripping, and I want to be there for them, just as I need other moms there for me as we continue on this treadmill toward healing (ours and Josiah’s).

So, here we go. God, what do you have in store? It says in the Bible that God “works all things together for good for those who love him and keep his commands.”  I want to see how going through this fire is going to work out, and I’m expectantly looking for more opportunities where I can say, “That had to be a God thing.”

 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Philippians 2:1-5

When I was pregnant with my little son, I tried to do all the right things. I didn’t eat tuna or any high-mercury fish. When I painted a room in our new home, I went to great lengths and paid double for the paint that had no dangerous fumes. I didn’t clean the oven. Heck, I didn’t even drink one caffeinated beverage for an entire nine months! We live in a house that was built in 2001 in a sleepy suburban neighborhood, far from the site of a power plant or a smokestack. I read the parent books to make sure we got the right crib, the right car seat, the recommended safety products for our new baby.

So, I feel a little disillusioned about the fact that I couldn’t protect my son from exposure to toxins that contributed to his autism. I wish I would’ve known what I could have done–even so, could I have done enough? Dr. Kenneth Bock says in his book Healing the New Childhood Epidemics that “Heavy metals and environmental chemicals are the greatest contributors to the epidemic of autism…If it not for the toxification from mercury, autism would probably not currently exist in epidemic proportions.”

We recently got our results from tests for heavy metal toxicity in Josiah because we’re about ready to start herbal chelation to rid metals from his body. It’s been a very successful treatment for kids with autism. Our DAN! (Defeat Autism Now) doctor informed us that Josiah had moderate mercury toxicity, and elevated levels of antimony and arsenic, among other things. These are pretty common build-ups in kids with autism because studies show that they have impaired detoxification abilities. The question is, where in the world are these toxins coming from? Unfortunately, they are everywhere, and they are invisible and odorless. Too bad they aren’t in the form of avoidable green goo. Here are some things this Toxic Avenger didn’t know then, but does know now:

1. The Environmental Protection Agency that’s supposed to protect our kids from dangerous chemicals has “failed in its goal of providing the public and pediatricians with timely, useful information.” Regulations are rarely enforced. Read this.
2. Amalgam fillings release small amounts of mercury into the system on a regular basis, and can have an effect on a developing fetus at a very crucial time. I have several of these.
3. Thimerisol (a mercury preservative) is still present in the flu shot, which pregnant women and young children are encouraged to receive. It is also still present in trace amounts in vaccines, along with a lot of other known toxins. I was just made aware that thimerisol is in prescriptions like pink eye drops. After Josiah had a round with pinkeye in both eyes for two weeks, that’s when he dramatically began the ascent into autism.
4. Crib mattresses are made with flame-retardant materials including phosphorus, arsenic and antimony that can generate toxic gas that our kids breathe, and has been theorized to be a cause of SIDS. Where is Josiah getting elevated levels of arsenic and antimony? Well, he does sleep on his crib mattress 10 hours a day. Getting a special safe bed wrap or organic mattress is recommended.
5. Reports about lead in toys have been all over the news. Lead exposure impairs analytical thinking and is a dangerous toxin. Millions of toys have been recalled, but so many still remain on shelves because most states don’t have regulations that mandate removal. You can get a home lead test to see if your child is playing with or mouthing any lead toys.
6. Baby bottles and other plastics like plastic sippy cups and teething rings have levels of toxins in them that kids are ingesting day in and day out. Instead, look for products labeled as PVC-free or use stainless steel; don’t microwave food for your child in plastic containers (use glass); use filtered drinking water (even bottled water may contain phthalates); dispose of all clear, shiny plastic baby bottles and use glass bottles; cook using stainless steel pans (no non-stick Teflon). Here’s a good site for alternatives, including a stainless steel sippy.
7. Pesticides and herbicides in most of the foods we eat are not good for our kids. Washing fruits and vegetables off or peeling them doesn’t help–and you don’t even want to know about the issues with chicken and beef that aren’t organically raised. There are a lot of reasons to go organic, especially for kids with autism, or other issues like ADHD, etc.
8. Regular household cleaners are highly toxic to kids with regular use over long periods of time. The recommendation is to go green with “free” cleaners like Seventh Generation.

It can drive a parent crazy. You think your child is being protected, but the very products created for them are too often dangerous to their developing brains and bodies. Well, this momma is going green and getting vigilant about reducing exposure to an already-affected child. Others can help to protect their children before issues begin. There are a lot of things we can’t control in the air we breathe and we’re ignorant to many chemicals, but we’ve got to do our best. Beyond that, we must pray the promise in Psalm 91:

Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
      I trust in you and I’m safe!”
   That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
      shields you from deadly hazards.
   His huge outstretched arms protect you—
      under them you’re perfectly safe;
      his arms fend off all harm.

“Autism is reversible.” I remember in the early days of Josiah’s diagnosis coming across this statement on a Google internet search. It was such a different declaration than what so many books and websites said. I kept seeing things like, “Autism is a pervasive, life-long disorder with no known cure and no known cause.” What are you supposed to do with that? Well, many parents are simply not accepting that life sentence.

Last Thursday night, I went to a local library for an advance-showing of a new 30-minute documentary called “Autism Yesterday,” put out by Generation Rescue (the group that has adopted the “Autism is reversible” tagline). The documentary follows six families who were given the grim diagnosis of autism. Some were told their children would never talk and would have to be institutionalized. Well, all of these children are either recovered or are recovering from autism and have bright futures ahead. It was 30 minutes that takes you from heartache to hope. If kids are recovering, following certain approaches to treating this disorder, why can’t my child be one of them?

I’m a pretty reasonable person, and I’m not one that wants to be “taken” out of desperation by snake oil that claims to be able to fix my child. But, as we started navigating through what a diagnosis of autism meant for our child, I kept researching, reading, and talking with others, and in addition to getting Josiah into intensive therapy, we decided to follow the DAN (Defeat Autism Now) Doctor protocol that treats the big picture of what is causing the autistic symptoms. It’s a biomedical approach that looks at the underlying medical issues like gastrointestinal irregularities, food allergies and sensitivities, inability to detoxify properly, and brain inflammation. Mostly, treatment includes a dairy and wheat-free diet, a number of herbal supplements shown to address numerous problems specific to the patient, and detoxification of heavy metals as is evidenced by a series of tests.

Surprisingly, this treatment route incites a lot of heated debate between medical doctors and homeopathic doctors or scientists. Parents in the autism community get very snarly about it too–especially the “it worked for us” vs. the “it didn’t work for us” crowd. Fundamentally, it also raises a really big issue. Is autism purely genetic and can only be treated behaviorally? Or, are childhood vaccines and other environmental factors to be blamed for contributing to the rise in autism in some way, and if so, the government has a lot of explaining to do. Parents have to follow their guts and do what is right for their particular case, since no one’s is exactly alike. This parent weighed the facts and the testimonials, and decided to pitch her tent in the camp where there are stories of improvement, success, and even recovery from the symptoms of autism. If it doesn’t work out, I can at least say we gave it a shot. Only 10 percent of the parents who have a child with autism try the biomedical approach and stick with it. But, it is making a tremendous difference, and thousands of kids are recoverying.

So far, we’re already seeing significant changes in our son. His eye contact has returned significantly. He’s been so loving and he’s giving and asking for hugs from us. He’s also developing some peer relationships and playing with a little girl at his school that is also 2 1/2 years old–his therapists tease him about having a little girlfriend. Tonight we went on a walk and he was having a big belly laugh at a barking dog. He kept looking back at us and enjoyed us teasing him with his stuffed duck. He held out his hand for me to hold it as we strolled along. Back in October, we walked this same route and my husband and I were thinking back to how terrified we were that he had regressed to the point that I couldn’t get his attention when I ran out in front of him and called his name. No smile. No eyes locking. Just blank. He’s getting better now. Small steps, over time, yield big results. I’m trying to be patient.

Our next step is chelation–trying to pull heavy metals and toxins out of Josiah’s body, very slowly and safely through herbal means. We see the DAN! doctor to go over results of testing on Friday. One of Josiah’s urine tests that just came through over email showed that he has elevated levels of arsenic, mercury, and lead in his body, which is pretty typical in autistic kids. Where did all this junk come from? Well, from what I’ve read, pesticides, pollution, food, water, air, and unfortunately, some ingredients in vaccines. The role that many people believe the childhood vaccines play is that they can assault the system of a young, developing child and mess up the detoxification process in a vulnerable child. This hasn’t been “proven,” but studies have come to that conclusion as a piece of the puzzle.

Bottom line for me, I wish I could go back and at least do the vaccine schedule differently, and I wouldn’t have gotten the Hepatitis B vaccine which is totally unnecessary for a child at that age whose mother does not have this disease. It is given on the first day of life, and there are two additional doses before six months. Why was I not better informed? Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. I’ll never know. But you can be informed and make thorough decisions, remembering that your pediatrician doesn’t know everything, and you have rights to vaccinate your child on a different schedule–or in most states–opt out completely. There’s my soapbox. I’m sure I will have many that disagree with my stance, but there are lot of parents who have kids with autism that will nod a big “yes” to what I believe. At any rate, I’m hoping to one day stand before you with a true testimony that “Autism is reversible.”

Tony Little, my son loves your in-home exercise product, “The Gazelle Glide.” The dust flying when he stepped on it, he smiled with glee as he tried out his delightful new discovery that up to that point held no interest to him. Suddenly, he was drawn to it, and somehow he knew exactly how to work it. It’s actually the most action that hunk of metal has gotten in a couple of years, I’m embarrassed to say.

Shortly after I gave birth to Josiah, I was thinking about how I should start working out again. Apparently eating ice cream every night during the pregnancy was not a good idea. Well, the closest gym was about 15 minutes away and since I was back to work full time, I didn’t feel like it was feasible to lose nearly two hours of my night to burn a few calories. In a late-night stupor, I was strangely drawn to the solution right in front of me on television. Tony Little’s Gazelle Glide–smooth, affordable, and while it didn’t seem like it was the kind of exercise that would whip me into a J. Lo body, it looked like it was better than nothing at all. I assessed the risk, and for only $300 for a “quality” full-body workout, I was willing to take that risk.

The big box arrived, and I went to work putting it together. After only a few assembly-provoked cuss words under my breath, the Gazelle Glide found its new home in the downstairs family room. It was kind of an eyesore, but it would be worth it! I loved the feel of it right away. I could do this! Yeah. So, in about one week it started making this annoying squeaky, creaky sound that I couldn’t drown out with even the rockiest tunes blaring on the iPod, and it suddenly lost it’s smooth flow for kind of a jerky movement. Oh yeah, the stoppers on the foot pads popped off too. I was took!

Top 5 Alternative Uses for the Gazelle Glide:

1. A good place to hang your clothes up while you’re ironing.

2. A less-expensive alternative to decorating your room with a modern art statue.

3. A constant reminder that you should never, ever watch television at 1 am and order anything off of an infomercial. (My GT Express hot pocket maker also reminds me of this, although, I do like my Swivel Sweep, and I’m sorry, but the Magic Bullet really looks like it could come in handy.–Whoa, snap out of it!)

4. A future yard sale beacon to those poor souls attracted to shiny things that could finally help them lose a few pounds.

5. A cutting-edge therapy to help provide sensory input to children with autism. It’s a lot cheaper than a lot of the stuff out there, after all!

There you have it… have a blast, son, and help me get my money’s worth out of the Gazelle Glide. (But please don’t get hurt and send us to the emergency room!)

Can I be real with you?

It’s been about seven months from the time that we were first alerted to the fact that something might be wrong with our little Josiah. I’ve been kind overcome lately about how lonely and painfully long this journey of autism can be. At first, you work so hard to get all of the wheels set into motion so you can help your son, and you’ve got to push through the pain to do what needs to be done–get him set up to succeed, and don’t waste a minute of time–get educated, get motivated for the road ahead. And then the frenzy dies down and you wait for the progress and healing. Slow. Steady. Two steps forward. One back. You wonder which of the dozen things that need addressing–diet, sensory, motor skills, speech, social skills, biomedical treatment, advocacy, awareness, support, your own health and marriage–you should try to tackle first, but you feel like you’re failing everyone and every venture because you can’t work hard enough or fast enough to patch any sort of normalcy together. If just one area was really succeeding! But everything feels clumsy, out of sync, messy, and unsettled. Life is a pendulum. One day, you feel like you’re riding on the upswing; the next day, you feel like the big metal pendulum hit you right in the gut.

Through it all, you feel like everyone else’s lives kept going and you got left behind to deal with this thing. At the end of the day, it’s you and your husband, and maybe the closest of family, and a few people you’ve met online or in person who have kids with autism too who are actually in this with you. Not to fault your co-workers or friends for not stepping in to help shoulder this more. Because oftentimes they don’t know what to say or do and it’s not like you haven’t learned how to put the mask on and do your work and make jokes, and still appear to be the bright, happy person you’ve always been. But, you know that you’ve changed. And you wish so badly that someone would ask, “How are you doing, really?” and maybe offer to take you out to coffee to just be there for you. But you are so consumed with the world of autism, it would probably overwhelm them to hear about it anyway.

Upon dealing with his son’s diagnosis, one father so resonated with me when he put it this way, “You want your child to get better so much that you literally become that desire. It is the prayer you utter on going to bed, the first thought upon waking, the mantra that floats into consciousness, bidden or unbidden, every ten minutes of every day of every year of your life. Make him whole, make him well, bring him back to us.” (The Autism Sourcebook).

I’m not who I was. Literally, one day before a family member mentioned something might be wrong with our son, we were talking about how great things were going and maybe we could take a trip to London or something the following summer to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. That seems like a lifetime ago. One day, I’ll probably emerge as a better person who has been refined by the fire. Tonight, I miss the feeling that I used to have when all was right with the world, and I wonder if I will ever get a break from autism. I wonder if I’ll be able to look at the families that have the two typical kids that are doing great and living the life that I always dreamed we would have without feeling that tinge of sadness for what could’ve been. I’m not saying that I’ve lost hope for the future. I can almost see that a few years down the road, we’re going to be amazed at how we’ve come through this. But, tonight, right now, I feel alone and kind of scared.

All of this comes flowing out of me after Josiah had a really good weekend, and showed us some excellent signs, too! I guess it means that my tank is running low again, and I need to go to God and read his Word and be encouraged that he is there with me. He is more than enough. Thanks for letting me spill and be real.

Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

When my son was diagnosed with autism back in December, I was talking with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I told her that we’d been having a tough time because our son has autism. She blurted out, “Now what’s that again–that’s Rainman right?” With everything in me I wanted to defend my son. I thought, “No, I mean, yes, Rainman had autism, but that’s not my beautiful, curly-headed son with the bright blue eyes. He’s not like that. And that won’t be him!” I don’t say that to diminish those that have kids that are profoundly affected with autism, but I mention it because I want people to know that autism can be hard to spot by a casual observer. It looks different and presents itself in varying degrees for every kid, so that’s why awareness is so important.

AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH

Today, April 2, was the first-ever World Autism Awareness Day. I’ve got to say that I am so impressed with CNN. They have devoted the entire day to continuing coverage to share stories of families, address the many issues associated with autism, and get the conversation going. Several stories can be viewed online if you weren’t able to view them live.

 I also applaud www.childofdestiny.org for devoting this Autism Awareness Month to a 31-day effort to get thousands of people praying to “Turn the Tide” of this epidemic of autism. You can download a prayer calendar to pray for someone you love each day. We need God’s help to get a handle on this mystery of autism and to expedite a cure. We need him to move on those in authority who have the power to put legislation in place, help families and those kids who are growing up with autism, get research going, and look at what is causing this epidemic. I really think we’re going to get there one day if we wake up as a society!

If you happen to be a parent that is in the process of trying to figure out if your child may have autism, I would really recommend going to the Autism Speaks video glossary. For me, it brought real clarity to the subtle differences for young children who have autism as compared to how a typical child would act by showing videos side by side. After watching it, I knew before we had the official diagnosis that we in fact were dealing with autism. That might sound like a scary thing, but it helped me to mobilize while we waited for three months to get the appointment for diagnosis.

JOSIAH’S PROGRESS

On a different note, I’m so proud of our little Josiah. The last couple of weeks we’ve seen some great changes in him. He’s engaging with us so nicely, and he keeps getting more and more words every day. He’s saying things more spontaneously, and we notice him filling in the blanks when we sing songs a lot more than before. That kid listens more than we think! He’s also following commands at home and school better–leading the way to the lunch room, grabbing my hand when I say “It’s bedtime,” and leading me into his room. Little by little we’re seeing the layers peel away. And, he’s a really happy guy. I know that we shouldn’t take his temperament for granted right now, because so many kids with autism have a lot happening in their minds and bodies and it’s often hard for them to regulate their feelings and frustrations. Autism presents itself in such a range of ways for each different kid, and that can be frustrating, because you kind of want to know what to expect, but at the same time, it keeps you from putting limits on his capabilities and who he will be in the future. Anything is possible!

I feel like something has happened inside of me this past week. It’s almost as if the heaviness and sorrow that I’ve felt since we found out about Josiah’s autism is lifting. My husband and I seem to be laughing and joking more again. We’re getting stronger. We’re celebrating more about Josiah’s small steps forward, rather than bemoaning how far we have to go. We’re not expecting the worst and hoping for the best. We’re just expecting the best. Period. We’ve got 3 1/2 years to pull him out of the confines of autism before school starts, and we’re going after it with all we’ve got. In the meantime, we’re hoping, not coping.

I’ve been reflecting a bit on the title of my blog. What does it mean, exactly, to HOPE and not just cope? Here are my thoughts:

Coping=Trying to muster up the strength within yourself to get through a situation that you realize may not change, so you have to deal with the reality of it.

Hoping=Going to God to get the strength to help you not only to get through today, but to keep steady faith that the future can change.

Coping=Focusing on my own mental health so I can get through my situation–internalize it.

Hoping=Releasing hope and encouragement to others even while I’m going through my own journey–pay it forward.

Coping=Adapting life to the new reality because you don’t want to be disappointed if the outcome is not how you would have hoped. It can perpetuate extended sorrow, bitterness and doubt.

Hoping=Appropriate response and action for the situation at hand in hopes for eventual restoration or vast improvement. It perpetuates strength for the fight, goal-setting and creative solutions.

Coping=Focus on working through the problems.

Hoping=Focus on depending on the promise.

Here’s one of the promises: Lamentations 3:20-25:

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
   his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He’s all I’ve got left.

 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.

Patiently waiting and diligently seeking,

Tahni

This last Easter weekend, we hopped in the car for the 7 hour drive from the Twin Cities back to Bismarck, ND to see the ‘rents. Our little guy was such a good little champ in the car for all of those hours, but we had to stop for a little lunch along the way. Now, it used to be our tradition that we would stop at a place called the “Pizza Ranch” for a great buffet spread, but Josiah’s on a strict diet these days and we didn’t have a lot of options. So, we thought we’d try Perkins for some eggs and fruit. That was Stop #1.

 We got into Perkins and Josiah was not about to sit in a high chair or in the booth beside me. He was pulling the old “go limp and twist” routine, and he wasn’t being too loud or naughty, just “contrary.” That’s when I started feeling the eyes staring over at us. I don’t know if I’m just sensitive or projecting things on to people now, but you start to believe people are thinking that I should just pick him up and make him mind. Who’s in control here–the kid or the parents? I can’t blame them, really, because I’ve thought those things about unruly kids before. I scooped Josiah up and we decided to just go.

On to Stop #2. Burger King. Playland. This should work, my husband and I were thinking. He can at least eat the fries and a little grilled chicken and he can tool around the room. The scene that unfolded there was just heartbreaking for me. There were kids running around being rowdy, funny kids, and the whole situation totally stressed Josiah out. He started whimpering and went over to the emergency door, laid his head up against the glass and just checked out. He didn’t want to be held or comforted. Even some fries wouldn’t pry him away. The room started closing in on me. I saw parents around me watching their kids have a blast in the playland; I saw little boys showing each other their cool toys. “This should be fun for us, like it is for all these people,” I thought. I again felt the eyes of other parents staring over at our situation. We scooped Josiah up, threw our food in a bag and got in the car. Josiah was fine again.

I guess we’ve gotten into a groove at home. We don’t go to restaurants anymore. We bring the food home. Josiah’s either at home or he’s at his little school; we go to the mall and grocery store, and he’s cool with those routines. But as he gets older, we see some of the quirks of autism continue to emerge especially when he’s outside of his comfort zone. While much progress has been made, it seems like other things that we haven’t dealt with before show up. I’ve got to admit that I have a hard time thinking what other people might think who don’t know his situation. He looks like a typical kid, and to the casual observer, he’s being willful or naughty and I don’t have control. It’s not like I would want him to look different, but then people might give more of a pass. This whole experience has definitely made me more compassionate when I see other parents struggling with their children. You really never know if there’s more to the story.

As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit.  Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. (Zechariah 9:11-12, NIV)

I’ve been reflecting on this verse since it was sent out by www.childrenofdestiny.org. I was struck by the phrase “prisoners of hope.” What does it mean to be a prisoner of hope? Such an odd phrase, but very powerful. If I am a prisoner of hope, everywhere I turn is hope. I can’t bust out of hope. I’m shackled to hope. It’s hope–morning, day and night. The same balanced heaping of hope served up for three square meals. I go to bed faced with hope, and wake up to more hope. A guard is at the door making sure the hope doesn’t escape. Even when I’m alone in solitary, hope’s hanging there with me.

 I really like the phrase that follows, too: “I will restore TWICE as much to you.” For the past seven months, this autism thing has rocked my world. It has slammed me hard. I’ve asked God “why?” so many times. Why did this happen, when I prayed over this child since before he was born, and specifically prayed health and wholeness over him as I rocked him night after night? He was healthy, and wonderful, and perfect, and then it was like everything I knew was taken from me. How cruel is this that a disorder that is so core to who a person is and how a person communicates with others–and has no known cause or cure–would strike this God-fearing family that devotes itself to putting God in the center of all we do? And, finally, God can I really trust you with my life? Now when I can’t “make” everything happen by my own doing, can I trust you to bring healing and great help to my son? Can I trust you to keep this family strong for this fight ahead? Can I trust you that no matter what, you are in control and you are going to bring all things together for good for those who love you, whatever that “good” may look like?

Well, I’m wrestling with this stuff, and I think God’s okay with that. So many good people get hit with tragedies and health problems, and it’s not fair. I’ve had my doubts and my wanderings and my questions, but I really have never given up hope. And, my hope and prayer is for full healing and restoration for my son, and I’d like for twice as much to be restored to us for our former troubles. Sound like a lot to ask? I can’t help it, that’s what happens when you’re a prisoner of hope.

You never know when a predator is lurking around the corner. You’re a little thing minding your own business, and suddenly you’re presented with a threat–and it’s bigger than you, it’s more powerful than you, and it has the power to stop your fun. If you’re a skunk, you will defend yourself by making a big stink. If you’re a chameleon, you’ll blend in and hope you don’t get spotted. I recently learned that if you’re an opossum, you play dead and poop on yourself. The frilled lizard get’s all, well… frilled.

The human toddler also has a defense mechanism that has worked wonders for centuries. It entails going completely limp, accompanied by a high-pitched scream. And if that doesn’t work, the toddler twists and contorts in unnatural ways in order to confuse, frustrate, and confound the parent predator. This predator threatens to tear you away from what you’re doing to get you in the bath. Or change your diaper. Or put your shoes on. The only way out of being captured is to wiggle and slither your way out of the big person’s grasp. Ah, but this parent still has a counter move until the toddler gets bigger. It’s called “The Scoop” and as long as I can get the leverage to scoop my little guy up, I’m still queen of the jungle.