Desperate

Napping like we used to.

Napping like we used to.

I was tired yesterday afternoon. Along about 1:30, I was desperate to just lie down and take a nap. I kind of did it to myself because I had been up trolling the internet until about 12:30 am the night before, falling into the rabbit holes of autism research, testimonials and more information about a new treatment we’re trying. I guess I so desperately want it to work for our son as well as it seems it should. But, as badly as I wanted that nap, about three weeks ago, Josiah decided he didn’t need mid-day naps anymore. I knew the day would come. I just didn’t realize it would be so abrupt. Naptime used to be AWESOME. I could get things done, or even rest myself sometimes.

And yesterday was a busy Sunday. At 8:30 in the morning we loaded up the car and headed across the metro to the Steps of Hope Walk put on by the Autism Society of Minnesota. Josiah did so well, being that it was an unfamiliar place–a big mall with throngs of people walking inside. We had to air out after a little over an hour because it was getting a bit overwhelming for the little guy, but we were proud of him. He’s been doing great on all of our outings. Some of his therapists were there to walk too. They got down and said “hi” to him. He gave a couple of them a smile, and some of them he was sort of oblivious to. This mommy desperately wanted him to engage back with them. I thought, “I will remember this benchmark, and when he does engage socially even in stressful situations, I will know the progress he has made.”

But, back to that nap… I decided to just lay down on the couch and keep an eye on Josiah while he played. He came over and jumped on me, wanting to rough house. I grabbed him tight and gave him some hugs and kisses, and tucked him between me and the couch cushions. We laid there like we used to when he was little and less, well, wiggly. Pretty soon, his breathing got heavier and he began to drift asleep. I held my darling in my arms and embraced this gift. At one point, he rolled onto his stomach on top of me and I held him there next to my chest like when he was a baby. We started to breath in unison. I felt like my heart and deepest emotions were intertwined–entangled–with his. How could anyone love that desperately?

Desperation has many times over moved the heart of God in Bible examples–especially the appeals of desperate parents: Jairus whose little daughter was dying and needed Jesus’ healing touch, the man whose son was deaf and dumb, the father of the prodigal son, Hannah who badly wanted a child, Moses’ mother who needed to save his life, etc. God knows the bleeding heart of a parent.

It made me think about my connection with my Heavenly Dad. He must want me to stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and just hop into his arms and rest in his comfort, strength and love. Let our hearts beat together for a while, unforced. If I love my own child beyond description, how much more must he love me? For some reason that old Bible camp song, “I am my beloved and he is mine… His Banner Over Me is Love” popped in my head. I rested in knowing that God was both holding and covering me and my little family at that moment.

 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
       my body also will rest secure…

 You have made known to me the path of life;
       you will fill me with joy in your presence,
       with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:9-11

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4 Responses

  1. It warmed my heart so much to see you guys cuddling together. I’m so lucky to have a wife and son as special as the two of you!

  2. What a beautiful entry, Tbahm. Very encouraging!

  3. Oh, this truly ministered to me, Tahni. As a child, I would sleep with my hand open imagining that Jesus was holding my hand. Tonight when I sleep, I want to truly REST in His arms.

    Such a precious picture of you and Josiah. I’m glad you got some tender time holding your sweet boy.

  4. Tahni, thank you for the reminder to rest in our heavenly Daddy’s arms. I have been learning about Joshua and Caleb and how they were blessed for their belief in God and His promises. “Oh Abba, Father, forgive me for my unbelief. I commit the care of my dear little Brenna to you. And, Josiah, and Rhema, and Reya, and Nick, and Lucas…I humbly ask for healing for their bodies and for miraculous recovery for each one. I KNOW that You are able LORD and Your arm is not too short…and LORD, I choose to rest in Your unfailing love.”

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