Who’s the Fairest of Them All?

Who's that good-looking guy?

Josiah loves looking at himself in the mirror these days. He’s been enjoying seeing how his mouth moves, and also how other people’s mouths move, for that matter. He gets a big kick out of my husband’s mouth and stubbly chin, as he sticks his fingers in Joe’s mouth and just squeals with delight. Apparently, he was trying to stick his fingers in some of his peer’s mouths at therapy the other day too (not the most safe thing to do, I know).

Recent studies have discussed that kids with autism tend to look at people’s mouths more than into their eyes. There are even ways they say they can detect potential for autism earlier by seeing how babies track either with people’s eyes or with their mouths–far before the usual diagnosis age of two or three.

I remember looking so deeply into Josiah’s eyes when he was an infant, and really connecting, though. I don’t know when exactly that began to change. Have you ever gone back to the home videos and tried to “spot” the autism? Before 16 months, I could find none apparent. Maybe I just didn’t know what to look for then, but the camera showed an engaged little boy who was teasing and laughing and looking right at the camera.

 

At any rate, we have some things to *smile* about lately:

 

1. Josiah was Star of the Week recently at his autism therapy center. We were so proud of him! That little guy works really hard, and he’s been making some good gains lately. He seems to be engaging with his peers more and he loves to ask everybody for “tickles.”

2. My husband’s parents and nephew came to visit us a few weeks ago. Josiah hadn’t seen them since Thanksgiving, but he was really social with all of them from the first moments they walked in. It was great to see!

3. During the summer, Josiah’s therapy center has Friday afternoon “Fun in the Sun,” where they have different themes each week and invite family members to participate. Last year, Josiah had a really hard time with these, and it usually ended up that we left early and I was choking back tears on the way home. Well, a week ago, they had community helpers day and there was an ambulance and fire truck there. Josiah was exploring them thoroughly. Sure he gets a little more excited about the details of chrome hubcaps than hearing the sirens, but he was into it. It’s good to compare back to one year ago sometimes, and when progress seems painfully slow, remember how far he’s come.

4. The pooping problem seems to be solved! We went through quite a long time of constipation, and were having to give enemas. It was awful. Well, because I know my other autism mommies can identify with me on this one, I feel compelled to give a poop update. Josiah is now going every day or every other day, and they’re looking good! His DAN doc was glad to see that his tests are showing no more malabsorbtion of food, any yeast issues are almost under control, and his gut is healing!

5. Josiah is doing so much better feeding himself. It took him quite a long time to be able to scoop up food on a spoon and get it to his mouth. He’s got the mashed potatoes mastered, so we’re starting to work on some trickier stuff.

Sometimes it’s good to reflect. To compare former to present, or to look at your reflection in the mirror and smile like Josiah, especially if you haven’t seen your own smile enough lately.

A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day.” Proverbs 15:3

Surprised by the Response to ‘Surprised By Autism’

Watch it online at surprisedbyautism.com

A couple of months ago, my husband (a television producer on a local suburban tv station) released a 30-minute documentary featuring our story so far with autism. It wasn’t an easy task he chose to take on. It was a labor of love, and he had some days he wanted to scrap the whole thing. “It’s hard to live autism at home, and then have it invade my work too. I just can’t get away from it,” he would say. But, I’m so glad he did because it’s helping people.

The Little Show that Could

The initial plan was that “Surprised By Autism” would air on his channel for a couple of months, and also on the metro access channel schedule periodically throughout the month, but in the meantime, it’s grown legs. I has shown on channels in some 30 or so states in the country now. It’s gotten nearly 850 views on YouTube. The DVD is in several libraries in the midwest, and in the Minneapolis Hennepin County Library system, my husband discovered that it had 24 holds on it! He mobilized to send them more copies stat.

“Surprised by Autism” has been featured on some autism blogs, in a few newspaper articles, and we know of at least one organization in our homestate in North Dakota that has showed it to its support and advocacy group, and requested handouts that they would give to everyone to point them to our www.surprisedbyautism.com website to watch it online. More handouts have been given out at an Autism Carnival Day in the St. Paul area. It’s also been used by college professors, and by students giving Masters’ presentations. We’ve heard of people who have passed it on to family and friends they know who are in the same boat.

I think our little documentary helps to fill a big hole, especially for parents that are still shell-shocked after receiving a diagnosis. Shows all about biomedical only give a little of the picture. Shows simply about what autism is feel so clinical. Shows about grief and the loss of dreams can leave the vibe of having shown “Schindler’s List” to a group of people in POW camps. Ouch. I think “Surprised By Autism” interviews enough professionals to get an idea that there are more options than just 3 hours of therapy a week, puts a face to autism that may not be as “extreme” but is real for the majority of families, and conveys that we parents can still have what so many people seem to unknowingly want to strip away from us: HOPE!

Please Do Get Your Hopes Up

When we first got the autism diagnosis, my husband and I attended a 4-week class through our county that was put on by the Autism Society of MN. While I appreciated the crash course in autism and the great desire to help parents navigate through it, it also left me at times more shell-shocked and terrified. On the first night, they showed a video that must have been from the early 1980s and came out of Canada that followed the grieving process of four families dealing with autism. As we got a big eyeful of what our little two-year-old was likely going to grow into, and how all of our dreams would go up in smoke, I just wanted to die.

The parents in this video had words on their lips that said, “We’re coping through this,” and a look in their eyes that said, “Please give me a pitchfork so I can fall on it.” I don’t think approaching a group of parents who are just finding out their kid has autism in this way is okay. The person who facilitated the group says she wants to “rip the bandaid off” first to get at reality and reveal the raw pain and loss of dreams, and then they can get on to some therapy and coping options.

In our society, why do professionals that deal with us feel like they have to put out a “I don’t want you to get your hopes up” sentiment. Why shouldn’t we get our hopes up? Tell me why it’s better to live defeated than to be propelled forward with hope that there is some way, some how that our children will improve and that we will have a hope for a future. Some other parents dealing with autism also can put out a similar feel at times, and they can be so sour towards those want to hope and keep trying for a better outcome. Please be a person who points to hope, who supports through the realities, and believes in the uniqueness of each child and their ability to rise above the limitations that we may be tempted to put on them.

Make a Choice Today

I remember reading Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning when  I was in college where he recounted the experience of being in a Nazi concentration camp, waiting for someone to come liberate them. Those who gave up hope died in their spirit and ushered in an even quicker physical death. But there were those that even in the worst circumstances kept faith every day that someone would come liberate them, and it changed their attitudes so they could act and feel differently.

Frankl said, “What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.”

If our “Surprised By Autism” show could do just a little of that for parents dealing with the shock of their lives, and give them a reason to mobilize and to always hope–choose to hope every day–we will have fulfilled that labor of love.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
       but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Prov. 13:12

In a bit of a ‘jam’

Josiah has been seeking a bit of “deep pressure” lately, as his therapist explains. He’s been trying to squeeze into some pretty small places, and he likes to sit behind us in a chair and pull us close to “crush” him a little. Temple Grandin noted how when cattle were put into a tight chute, they became calm almost immediately. For people with autism, there’s something with sensory processing that’s a bit off, and deep pressure has a similar calming affect. In fact, Grandin designed a “hug box” squeeze machine that looks an awful lot like a chute for cattle in case you don’t have someone to squeeze you, or if you get overstimulated by human touch.

At any rate, it’s pretty darn cute and hilarious how many items Josiah has tried to squeeze into lately, and I have them documented right here. Whatever helps! He’s been doing really well the last couple of weeks, and his visual stimming is way down, so bring on the deep pressure! I’ve got tons of hugs, and a little visit to the storage aisle at Target is cheaper than buying toys. I have also learned that I can’t keep folded clothes sitting in a laundry basket for long because Josiah will toss them out and get in the basket.

Although, I had to draw the line when he tried to squeeze in between the fridge and the wall. And, last night in the bath he grabbed the small plastic bowl that I use to wash his hair off and tried to sit in that! So, he may have a little something to learn about the actual size of his hiney–otherwise, he may be able to find employment as a contortionist in the circus if he keeps working on it.

When Autism Moved In

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

My son Josiah is my precious one. My pride and joy. He has my captivated my heart. I had no idea just how much I could love someone until he came along. I love his adorable face, his sweet disposition, and his spirit.

When I speak of of the ravages of autism, please do not misunderstand or confuse the depth of my unconditional love and acceptance of him and who he is. But that’s the thing, I’ve never felt like autism is supposed to be a part of him. Instead, it’s almost like autism is like a living, moving entity on its own–even apart from Josiah. For me, autism has become more like an unexpected, uninvited houseguest that has taken up residence in our home and disrupted everything about life by its mere presence.

Autism is the name of our uninvited guest. Honestly, he’s an extra body in the house and he has overstayed his welcome. He literally sucks the air out of the room sometimes.

He and Josiah seem to compete each other for attention. I hate how he mocks Josiah–”How come he can’t talk much yet? Why isn’t he potty trained? He doesn’t know how play right.”

We can’t even go many places together as a family anymore. No one invites us anyway. Someone always has to stay home with Autism. He can be unpredictable. We get scared about what he might do or what people might think of him. Autism doesn’t seem to care.

Autism doesn’t like the food I fix. I can work and work in the kitchen with the most expensive organic ingredients, gluten/dairy-free mixes, and he turns up his nose at it. Autism is ungrateful and I feel like I can’t please him.

Autism has had all of his mail indefinitely forwarded to our house–his books and literature and forms to fill out strewn about. I can’t even get away from it in the bathroom. Then I open my email, and I’m lambasted with so much stuff about him, reminding me that I just don’t have a normal life anymore.

I hate how Autism stays up as late as I do, and then he wakes me up in the morning–or sometimes in the middle of the night. In fact he sleeps right between me and my husband in our bed, us clinging to our own sides. He likes to sit down in the middle of us on the couch too, so we don’t hold hands like we used to. I miss my husband, and the comforts of “home.”

Every once in a while after we moms drop off our kids for therapy, we meet together at the coffee shop to have playdates with our Autisms. At least we know the other moms understand our frustrations, because they have an unwelcomed houseguest too, sometimes two of them.

Autism is such a spoiled brat. He demands fistfulls of our money, and plays on our fears that if we don’t give it to him for his vitamins, his treatments, his pricey tests, his B-12 shots, and a myriad of “flavor of the month” coctails that just might be “the ticket,” that he’ll take it out on Josiah. “Josiah might not get better, or regress,” he taunts, “so you have to keep spending all of this money on me.”

I think Autism wants me to accept him, or legally adopt him as my own son forever. But he won’t call me “mommy,” and he won’t let Josiah call me “mommy” either. In fact, he’s always putting his grubby hand over Josiah’s mouth so he can’t get much out at all. I hate that.

I still cheer for Josiah, though. Still he perseveres and conquers some things, even when Autism holds one of Josiah’s arms behind his back, or while he’s trying to trip Josiah. We erupt in praise when Josiah “does it” in spite of Autism, who has become his shadow.

Autism gets paid an annual salary 3-4 times more than I make, if you can believe it. We’ve told him that we will pay him any amount for severance if he will just GO away. He holds out.

The news comes on every so often talking about Autism. They say how he is so elusive. They don’t really know how to catch this fugitive. He’s in my house! Please someone come take him away. Quit making excuses. Don’t you know that he has come into my house and threatened to steal all of our futures? As if we owed him something.

Autism keeps sucking up the oxygen around here. He’s locked away the laughter. I hope for him to move out. I plead with him to leave. I demand it. I pray for God Almighty to boot him out. Why can’t anyone strong-arm him away?

I can’t accept Autism as one of my family members. My dear Josiah is my only son, and he deserves the best we can give HIM. Quit stealing his thunder! We have to spend way too much time on you, and I’m sick of it.

I keep dreaming for the day that someone knocks on the door. “Is Autism here?” they ask. I say, “No. He doesn’t live here anymore. Come on in, and I tell you how I got rid of him. And, he’ll never steal from us again.” 

Autism, you’ve overstayed your welcome.

Thank You India… er um, Iowa

Those Iowans love and honor their mothers! This statue that represents fertility to Iowa was at the State Capitol. I'm guessing the school boys don't mind the field trips so much.

One early Friday morning, my cousin and I hatched a plan on Facebook chat that led to an awesome early Mother’s Day gift for me. Leaving my boys to fend for themselves (bless my husband for volunteering to watch Josiah–no safety net), I headed out of town to for a 3-day, girls-only weekend in Des Moines, IA. She’s from Kansas City and I’m from St. Paul, and Des Moines was about dead middle. It’s not like there’s a ton of stuff to do in Des Moines, but that helped make it so great. We had one agenda item: tickets to the theater for a Saturday matinee. It was so awesome to just do whatever we wanted! And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I slept in past 9 am.

We got a great deal on 3 nights at Sheraton, we talked our faces off, laughed our heads off, contemplated and solved most of the major world problems, and hatched many entrepreneurial and ministry  ideas that we have a lot of passion–and no time–for. Oh well, we’re convinced that our 50s will be our decade! Watch out, world!

I don’t think I fully realized just how much I needed a break. From work. From home. From autism. From autism. From autism. My cousin and I are only a year apart, and we never lived close together, but the one time a year we got to see each other growing up was packed with rich memories. As we kicked around the courtyard of the Iowa State Capitol one sunny day, I realized how rare and beautiful it is to find someone who so gets you, who has a sense of humor that feeds yours, who has a spiritual conviction that empassions her life like you do, who creatively complements you, and who cares for you so deeply. She called me “the sister of her heart.” I feel the same way. There have been few people in my life that I feel so incredibly in the zone with whether we’re in rapid-fire banter or comfortable silence. I miss having a woman friend like that in my everyday life to hang out with.

The show we went to in a quaint little theater was perfect for our weekend away. It was called “Girls Only,” and it was about two friends who met as adults, but felt like they should have been best friends growing up. So, it was kind of an adult girls slumber party with audience participation and some improv. It was great! There was one man in the whole place, and he and his wife were sitting beside us. We talked with this charming older couple at intermission and after the show. The guy was so sweet. In the past two weeks, he said that he almost died twice. Two times his aorta tore, and he called his wife a hero and he told us how grateful he was to be alive. The two of them had been married for 42 years, and they were still holding hands and taking in all the theater they could in Des Moine, Iowa. He gave us some advice about raising children: treat them like dogs–love and praise them like crazy for good behavior, and straighten them out for bad behavior (sounds a little like ABA, right?). So cute.

I want to always remember our last night in the hotel. We were the only ones in the pool at 11 pm, and we were waxing nostalgic about our church experience in childhood (she’s a pastor’s daughter). We laughed and laughed as we tried to remember as many 80s overhead-projector-friendly praise choruses as we could. We proceeded to sing them in the echoey room, vowing that we MUST pass these songs on to our kids.

Those choruses were so simple and pure, and we knew them so well because in church we would reprise the same three lines over and over for about 6-10 minutes (you know what I’m talking about if you went to a church like that). We also laughed about the well-intentioned but slightly left-of-center Christians with quirks, including those that decided that you didn’t have to be on the platform to be part of the band, as long as you brought your tambourine with streamers that you could shake to an irregular rhythm in the pews/chairs. Some of you didn’t know this alternative universe existed, right? It did. And for better, not worse, those words have never departed from us.

We ate, we drank, we were merry. I was sad to part, but I was ready to get back to my boys–and ready to book the hotel for next year at this time so we make sure we make it an annual ritual! My husband encountered a couple of rocky patches while I was gone, but the boys survived, and he told me that I picked a good time to go. Why? Because he said with Mother’s Day coming up, I was going to get a good present because he realized just how much I do around home. Bonus! I felt the same way about him when he left for a few days.

Happy Mother’s Day, Moms! If you can find some days for yourself–just do it! It will do you and your family some good.

Multi-tasking

Can you relate? Sometimes a boy just has to rest. Giving proper attention to duck, blanket and computer–all while riding in the car–will have to wait.

He’s a big boy now

Josiah's new 'do.

Last Sunday morning my little Josiah turned into big boy before my very eyes. We decided to go to Great Clips and opt for a shorter haircut this time. As his moppy, wavy locks fell to the floor he began to look so much older. What happened to my baby? (By the way, I was so impressed with how well he did getting his hair cut this time–didn’t cry at all, and sat there so patiently!)

I must admit, I have mixed emotions about him getting older. With each month that passes, I get more nervous that he isn’t progressing as quickly as I would have imagined. Now he’s only 5 months away from turning 4. It just seemed like we had so much time to “pull him out of autism” when we started all of this nearly a hear-and-a-half ago. We got the biomedical piece in progress, and with the intense therapy and sheer will, we were going to make it! And sure, we’ve made progress, but why does it feel trudging through mud–or quicksand–so much of the time?

I love hearing about, reading about and watching videos about autism recovery. It gives me hope. Just last week, I came upon a couple of great stories. Karen Siff Exkorn’s recovered son was featured on the Today Show, and I gobbled up LeeAnn Whiffen’s new book, A Child’s Journey Out of Autism, in about two days. But something strange happened to me as I took these sort of stories in this time. While I was inspired and so moved and delighted by their successes, I felt fear start to grip me. That whisper in my head came, “It took these families around two years to go from non-verbal autistic behaviors to recovery, and their kids made steady leaps and progress quickly. Same with Catherine Maurice’s children, and Karen Seroussi’s son. You’re just not seeing that sort of progress. What if…”

And then I went to a local TACA meeting on Monday. It was a small group, so we had a lot of time to share stories. I was so moved with compassion for these moms–each one trading stories of unhelpful doctors, discriminating grocery store onlookers, insensitive comments they heard about “autism being the result of bad parenting,” insurance policies with autism exemptions, emptied bank accounts and piles of debt for therapies and treatments, diarrhea and constipation, temper tantrums, neighborhoods not wanting them to move in because “the house values would go down with an autistic child on the block.” One lady has a child who’s almost nine, and she said name the treatment and she has done it–even stem cells in Mexico. HBOT is finally helping, but he’s still severe.

I left that meeting, knowing the challenges of my own family’s journey, but realizing that so many people have it so much worse–and I can’t imagine the burden they carry. I just prayed to God, “Have mercy! Help these families. Help these precious children. We need healing and deliverance from this bondage. Bring our kids back to us.”

I admit, as Josiah gets older I feel sad that I’m missing those years when those precious little guys say the funniest things. One of co-workers talked about how her 2-year-old daughter picked up a piece of broccoli and said, “Oh cute! A little baby tree.” Am I really so selfish that my heart still drops when I hear stuff like that? I would do anything to hear Josiah say something like that. I’ve got the sweetest little boy who I just love to my toes, but I do feel like autism has taken who he was supposed to be, and I want to get him back. Like this video articulates:

As I was slipping into a bit of pitty party in my head the other day, I believe the Lord brought a new passage to my attention to remind me that my hope is in Him. No therapy or treatment or discovery can compare to the power, hope, and healing He can provide. Through Him, there is no “closing window” that He cannot open wide. I’m going after my kid! I’m getting him back and he will have a great future! Don’t you lose hope either! God’s Word is truth. There is hope!

Jeremiah 31:16-17 (Amplified Bible)

Thus says the Lord: Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord; and [your children] shall return from the enemy’s land. 

And there is hope for your future, says the Lord; your children shall come back to their own country.

Personality Conflicts and Discoveries

I recently took the Myers Briggs personality test for the first time. I supervise a team at work, and we felt like it would be beneficial for us to know what makes each other tick. We can have quite the tug of war sometimes between the extroverts and the introverts, those that love some freedom and flexibility to dream and those that want every detail in hand before they start working on something. Interesting dynamics!

So, it turns out that I’m an “ENTP.” I’m actually VERY strong E and N and pretty borderline T. In fact, I took another free online personality test  today and I actually was an “ENFP” on that one. But, anyway, I think it accurately described me and my brain. It also made me realize why dealing with autism can drive me so crazy, and why I’m so driven to achieve a better outcome for my son. Let me explain with some statements from the ENTP results:

1. As children, ENTPs enjoyed inventing new toys, dances, and languages. Because they are outgoing in their personality style, they often engage other children in their projects and assign them particular roles to play. I was rarely ever bored as a child. My imagination could keep things going for hours. My friends and I would come up with elaborate story lines and play them out–Dukes of Hazzard, GI Joe, and even Days of Our Lives inspired us, and we took the plot lines from there. So, it is really challenging for me that my son is not able yet to use an imagination for playing. I want to amaze him, make him laugh and giggle, surprise him, delight him with all of the adventures we could have.

2. ENTPs rarely accept things just as they are. ENTPs are basically optimists, but in spite of this (perhaps because of it), they tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determination.) Well, on the good side, I’m determined in this quest to make things better for my son. Autism is NOT going to define him, and if I have anything to say about it, we’re going to do everything we can and engage God in everything he will to overcome this. On the downside, those “small setbacks and inconveniences” happen pretty much every day (ie. pooping problems!) and it does get to me big time.

3. In terms of their relationships with others, ENTPs are capable of bonding very closely and initially, suddenly, with their loved ones. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. I thrive on interaction, the back and forth of conversation, and knowing that another person “gets” me. (You can’t believe how much I love to see comments on my blog!) So, here’s another instance where I feel so deeply in love with my son, but can feel so lacking when he can’t always reciprocate through communication and the combustion of relationship that happens through words and gestures.

4. Because of their ability to see relationships and connections between seemingly unrelated things, they are able to realize the potential in many things. When they see an opportunity that others have missed, they set action-oriented strategies that allow them the greatest flexibility to achieve the results they want. This one is funny because two nights ago, I received an e-newsletter with an autism article in it that sent me on a detective chase that led to finding many more articles to support a new theory I connected, and finally I just had to email Josiah’s DAN doctor to see if he knew about this and what he thought. I’m not sure if he appreciates this, but in this confusing world of autism, we parents have to be aware of options, right?

5. ENTPs are relentless learners. ENTPs are clever and are as innovative and ingenious at problem-solving as they are at verbal gymnastics; on occasion, however, they manage to outsmart themselves. Yeah, see #4. Enough said.

Some of the occupations that seem to be more appealing to ENTPs include actor, journalist, marketeer, public relations worker, and other occupations that allow them to be innovative. Hmmm. I do all of those, so I guess I landed in the right job and interest field.

Well, at the end of the day, one of the best things that came out of this personality test wasn’t just an affirmation of my own tendencies, but also a better understanding of how others think. If I can appreciate different types and styles, it will serve my son and others better, because I’ll try to speak their love languages instead of assuming that the way they show and receive love is the same way I do. Finding out what is a “deposit” or “withdrawal” in someone else’s emotional bank account will help us know how to respect and encourage each other better. And when you’re in a season where your deposits may seem a little one-sided with your child, that’s called “sowing seeds.” And seeds sown in love will never come up empty.

 

Take your own free personality test here, and let me know what you are. It’s fun!

I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. (Phil. 4:12-13 MSG)

“Surprised By Autism” Debuts for Autism Month

Today is World Autism Awareness Day and April is autism awareness month. I’m excited about the elevated attention given to this cause at this time, and here are a few links I’d like to share with you, including our own documentary that my husband produced:

Jenny McCarthy’s third book was just released called Healing and Preventing Autism. It’s a collaboration with Dr. Kartzinel. My husband was able to get an advanced media copy and the last couple of weeks I’ve been able to read a bit of it. I highly recommend it! It’s the first book that I’ve seen that not only endorses various biomedical treatments and diets, but even gives you dosages, brands of recommended vitamins, and a protocol to follow.

The idea is that if you are waiting to get into a Defeat Autism Now! doctor, you can start some things on your own through this book and understand how to get the ball rolling. I’m a big Jenny fan, and she’s going to be making the rounds in the media this month. She’s a bulldog, and I love to see her take on the establishment. Check out her press schedule. 

Join a unified prayer effort to “Turn the Tide” on autism through the month of April by following the Children of Destiny printable prayer calendar.

Watch our family’s story called “Surprised By Autism,” which is airing on community channels in the Twin Cities area this month, and can be seen here through YouTube in three 10-minute parts. Settle in and take a peek! Our hope was that it would be a good introduction to options out there if you’re a new parent/grandparent facing an autism diagnosis, or that it will help bring awareness to the general public about autism.

Father, What are We Doing?

I was reading in Genesis 22 the other day. It’s the story about how God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac on the altar to him. (Very uncharacteristic of God, by the way–he’s not a “human sacrifice” kind of god.) It always was a little unsettling to me that God would even ask such a thing, and now that I have a son, I cringe at the thought. Whenever I’ve heard a pastor talk about this passage, they always praise Abraham’s OBEDIENCE to God through this test God put before him. But, as I looked further, I found out it was more than dutiful obedience at play here. I’ll explain…

Abraham showed that he would do what God told him to, no matter what. But, think about this. All along, God promised Abraham that he would be a father of many nations, and Isaac would be the seed to fulfill that promise. The guy waited until he was over 100 for this miraculous birth to take place because he and his wife were too ancient to have kids, but nothing’s impossible for God, right? Now, he has the son, he has the promise God gave to him for his future–and now God says, “Give it all up to me.” His son, his dream, his promise–everything–rides on this one event.

Picture this scene. Abraham takes young Isaac on a little hike to do the ritual sacrifice like they’ve done before. Isaac asks, “Where’s the lamb, Daddy?” Abraham says, “Oh, God will provide a lamb. Let’s sing some songs. The legs on the donkey go clop clop clop all through the desert...” Then they make it up to the top. Abraham grabs Isaac and ties him to the altar. Isaac’s probably like, “Okay, this isn’t a fun game anymore. In fact, Dad, you’re kinda starting to creep me out. Especially with the knife and all.” Abraham has got to be sweating a little at this point as the knife is about to go in, and finally, an angel says, “Woah. Don’t do it. It’s all good. Here’s your lamb to sacrifice.” They all have a good nervous chuckle, say “that was a close one, huh?” Abraham gives Isaac some fruit snacks and they head home. Good story to tell the grandkids.

How Much Do We Trust God’s Character?

But here’s the thing. What Abraham did was not only out of obedience. It was out of faith, knowing to his toes that God would not let this be the end of the story. He held tight to the promise that was given to him. He knew the character of God and that there would be a better outcome, and it would not include losing his dear son in death. His obedience was a bi-product of his faith in God; his faith was not forged as a result of this test. It already was at play before the test, and his trust in God was only deepened through it. It was his faith (not just obedience) that got him an “A” on this one. Here’s how I know:

1. Abraham told the men travelling with them to hang back while he and Isaac went further on. He said, “We will worship there, and then WE WILL COME RIGHT BACK.” (Not said with a wink, wink, gulp, I hope so.)

2. When Isaac asked where the lamb was, Abraham said, “God WILL PROVIDE a lamb.”

3. Finally, Abraham is ready to strike the death blow, and this is the part I love that’s in Hebrews 11:19, “Abraham assumed that if Isaac died, GOD WAS ABLE TO BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE AGAIN. And in a sense, Abraham did receive his son back from the dead.”

Friends, I couldn’t sleep and was up praying at 1 am one night this week, and I was reminded of this story. I told God that I want to stop striving, begging, and wondering if my Josiah will be made well. I will stand for his healing, confident in the outcome no matter how bad things look. I place my son and his future, along with our hopes and dreams directly into his hands because this is what I know about who my Father God is:

1. Because he sacrificed and brought his own Son back to life, that blood that was shed was to rescue us from our sins and our sicknesses Isaiah 53. This promise is for whoever believes by faith Mark 16:16-18.

2. God cares about us, and even though we might have to go through some things, if we keep trusting in him, resisting the Devil, and staying strong in faith despite the current circumstances, we will be restored, supported and strengthened 1 Peter 5:6-10.

3. Because of his promise to us, we can trade in our worry and exhaustion for the assurance of his good future for us and our kids–that they will be made well, that they will hear, speak and sing Isaiah 35:3-6.

4. He makes some pretty bold claims that beg you to reconcile whether he’s a truth-teller or a liar, and you got to be all in or all out. And, he tells us that we can know he’s listening when we pray and if we ask him anything according to his will (healing, by the way is God’s will–Jesus and the disciples healed everyone who came to them asking for it), he will give it to us 1 John 5:1-15.

So, here we are. We’re in a fight that takes graduate-level obedience, faith and trust in God. It also takes studying the Bible to get a clue of who God is beyond the pale of our religion, tradition, or the little human boxes we try to put him in. That’s the Abraham-kind of faith that will help us going into any test or trial, knowing that we will come out the other side stronger and confident in God’s power more than our own comprehension of HOW it can all be accomplished.